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Effortlessly Productive
Welcome to Effortlessly Productive with Annie Veblen McCarty, where we dive into the art and science of mastering your time and boosting your productivity without the burnout.
Join Annie as she explores practical tips, strategies, and mindset shifts to help you streamline your tasks, prioritize effectively, and get more done with less stress.
Whether you're juggling work, family time, or just trying to find more time for what matters most, our conversations will empower you to work smarter, not harder.
Tune in and discover how to make productivity not just a goal, but a way of life!
Effortlessly Productive
Stealth Expectations: Communicating for Clear and Achievable Goals
Fresh from a rejuvenating vacation in Western Ontario, I found myself grappling with the decision to step back from recording new podcast content despite my initial plans. This personal story serves as a perfect segue into our exploration of expectations and how they influence every aspect of our lives. Discover how expectations can create essential boundaries and drive us toward our goals, while also understanding the crucial balance needed to maintain productivity and well-being. Knowing when to hold onto expectations and when to let them go can make all the difference in both personal and professional arenas.
Have you ever felt an inexplicable sense of disappointment or guilt without knowing why? These emotions often stem from stealth expectations—those hidden beliefs that shape our reactions and decisions subconsciously. Through relatable anecdotes, such as an unexpected birthday scenario, we delve into the impact of these unnoticed drivers on our behavior and emotions. By becoming aware of these stealth expectations, you can better manage your reactions and align them with your goals, making your journey towards personal growth more intentional and fulfilling.
Communication and honesty are the cornerstones of setting realistic expectations. Unmet expectations frequently arise from a lack of dialogue and the harmful habit of comparison. In this episode, I share personal insights on the importance of verbalizing your expectations both for mental clarity and accountability. By discussing these with trusted individuals, you can achieve a more supportive and encouraging environment. With a focus on both explicit and hidden expectations, we guide you towards setting conscious, achievable goals that not only reduce stress but also enhance your overall well-being and growth. Join me in this episode as we navigate the complexities of expectations and learn how to harness them for a more balanced and successful life.
Hey, this is Annie Veblen-McCarty and I'm gonna teach you how to be effortlessly productive. I've been an entrepreneur for over 20 years and I got sick and tired of experts preaching what business and life should look like and what I should be doing as a leader and to turn a profit, only to find myself wasting time, burned out, feeling inauthentic and still not making any money. On this show, we are ditching the shoulds. I'm giving you permission to do business differently. As a certified master coach, I believe that everything you need to have success and build the life and business of your dreams is already living on the inside. I'm going to empower you to lean into what you do best, help you see your path forward clearly and give you the strategy and action steps along the way to become effortlessly productive. Let's dive in. Hello, I am so excited to have you here for this episode.
Speaker 1:As I am recording, I literally just got back from vacation a couple of days ago and I wanted to share a little bit of a story with you. So, going on this vacation, I knew that I wanted to unplug from my business. I knew there were also some things that I needed to do for my businesses while I was gone, and so I wanted to keep it pretty limited. However, I also had this idea that my mom was there with us and she is also an entrepreneur and I thought it would be so amazing to record some podcast content, some episodes for all of you while I was gone in this amazing beautiful setting and kind of use my mom as somebody to ask me some questions and to have a conversation with. So I had this in the back of my mind going on vacation and the way it worked out. It's not that I didn't have the time or couldn't have found the time, but I just wasn't in the right energy. I don't really like that word right, but I wasn't in the energy that I wanted to bring to all of you while which was amazing I spent so much time with my kids and husband and mom and in-laws and had this amazing, beautiful time. We were in Western Ontario. It was just. The scenery is indescribable, so peaceful, which is part of why I was like this would be such an amazing place to share with all of you, but it just wasn't the right thing, it wasn't meant to be. So here I went on vacation and I had this expectation and sure I could have forced that, but I also was like this just doesn't feel right. We didn't have, I didn't make the time for it. I decided that I just wasn't going to go ahead with recording the episodes at a certain point.
Speaker 1:And what I wanted to talk about today the reason that I'm telling you all of this you're like, okay, where is this going? That's great, but what does this have to do with me? So I wanted to talk about expectations today because a few years ago I can definitely tell you, especially before I was certified as a life coach, I very well might have beat myself up, felt super guilty, had all of these stories and beliefs that I was telling myself in the background about how I should have recorded those. Why didn't I just push through? Why didn't I hit record? I could have gotten that done, all of these things right. You can see where that thought spiral could have gone. However, this time I was aware enough of these expectations that I had this idea, but the idea didn't have to turn into an expectation for myself that this was definitely had to get done. It didn't have to get done. It was something that I had, an idea and it would have been amazing if it was done, but it wasn't the right thing. So I wanted to talk about expectations today, kind of in this framework of, specifically, expectations for our business.
Speaker 1:But expectations expand to all areas of our life. Right, they go to our personal lives, things with other people, our relationships, what we expect of other people in our lives, of really any community that we are a part of with our schools, for our kids. We have expectations, literally every single aspect of life. We have an expectation for it, and what we do with these expectations can be very powerful. So I wanted to talk about this today. So expectations are very, very helpful and very necessary in certain areas. Right, expectations help us set boundaries. This can be with other people, right, we set boundaries with other people. We say this is what I am expecting from you, and if and when you cross this line, this is what is probably going to be the consequences of it, or this is how I'm going to feel and this is how I'm going to respond. Those can be very healthy, right, it's important for us to set boundaries, expectations and setting boundaries with ourselves as well, right. Like we always think about, this is with other people, but setting boundaries with ourselves is also very important.
Speaker 1:Expectations help us achieve our goals. If we don't have an expectation of where we are going, where we want to end up, who we're helping along the way, the impact that we want to make in the world, we are not going to have that level of achievement. We are not going to accomplish those things. So expectations can be very helpful in achieving the things that we want to do in life and the impact that we want to make in life, both on a personal level and with our business. Expectations help us reach our peak performance right. If we don't have expectations of that high level of performance that we want to have for ourselves and, honestly, the performance that we want out of other people this can also go as a business owner. This can go down for our employees or our VAs or contractors that we're working with, the other people that we are hiring to do things for ourselves, the other people that we are hiring to do things for ourselves. It's important to have those expectations for people of the work that you want them to perform for you, so that that maximum performance can be reached and you can turn out the best product or service possible. You can help the most people in the most impactful way.
Speaker 1:Expectations help us continually grow. So we have this place that we want to get to, these things we want to achieve, but we are often not that person who has achieved those yet. We have to grow into that person. We have to become that person first before we can achieve those, and so having that expectation of this is where I want to go and this is who I have to become or want to become in the process of getting there helps us on our path of growth. It helps us evolve as a person and continue to be the best person that we can possibly be. To get where we want to go.
Speaker 1:Expectations help us get shit done right. If we have no expectations for our day. I know we have all had that situation and there are some days where it is good to not have any expectations for our day. However, we all know if we go into a work day or just a day where we're like, hey, I want to get all this stuff done around my house, and you have no expectations like even just saying I want to get stuff done around my house, that is an expectation. So if you go into a day with zero expectations, probably not a lot is going to get done right. However, if we have those expectations of these are the things I want to accomplish today, these are the things I want to get done, we are more likely to actually get them done.
Speaker 1:Expectations also help us take care of ourselves right. There are things that we need to do or want to do because we know that we show up in a better energy when we have done that, when we've gotten enough sleep, when we have moved our bodies, when we have eaten well, when we have had some downtime, when we have taken time to de-stress, when we've meditated, been outside, taken a walk, whatever that looks like for you, even for me just like listening to some music for a while. That is something where I'm like okay, this is my love language, right? So those things Like this is my love language, right. So those things having those expectations of I am going to get my workout done today and I'm going to get outside in some fresh air for a few minutes and I'm going to put on my favorite song and sing out loud and just be free and let that creativity out. That is taking care of ourselves. So, when we know that those are things that we want to do those expectations right, then we are taking better care of ourselves, which obviously then we show up better for our business, we show up better for people who are important to us. We have more ability to take care of all the other people in our life and in our business our clients right when we are taking care of ourselves. However, all these things with expectations are fantastic and amazing and they are super important.
Speaker 1:But there is also a dark side of expectations and that's part of what I wanted to chat about today, really kind of the meat of what I wanted to dive into. So I was listening to Brene Brown's book Atlas of the Heart and she was talking about she called it stealth expectations, and I absolutely love that terminology. In my life coach certification, in actually our master coach program, we learned something a master level coaching skill called the manual, and these are basically stealth expectations that we have for other people and also for ourselves. Right, we can have expectations for ourselves. So, kind of to define all of this for you, what is a stealth expectation? What is a manual?
Speaker 1:That is, when we have an expectation for somebody else or ourselves, or the way that things are going to happen for a situation that we are not consciously aware of. It's in our subconscious, but we are not consciously aware of that expectation. And the reason that this can be so I'm going to use the word damaging the reason that this can be so harmful, this can be a not so good expectation. When we are not aware of the expectations that we hold is for a few reasons. When we have an expectation that is in our subconscious that we are not aware of, these can be beliefs and stories. Right, these are beliefs and stories that we have about ourselves, about other people, about the way that things are going to unfold, about something that's gonna happen that day.
Speaker 1:Let's take an example of a birthday. I know that I have had a birthday where I was like I'm gonna wake up and everybody's gonna be like it's your birthday and celebrate me, and the kids are kind of like, yay, mom's awake. And my husband he's usually pretty good about remembering birthdays, but I know there've been a few where it was like later in the day oh, happy birthday, and I love him to death, absolutely. We have been married and together for a very long time, but we have this idea of how things are going to turn out, that our kids are going to be like it's mom's birthday, and then that doesn't happen. And so that's an example of having a belief that, hey, it's my birthday, everybody should be celebrating me. It's my birthday, everybody should be celebrating me.
Speaker 1:And when you have that and you have not communicated that and that is a story in your subconscious that you aren't even aware of, we end up with a feeling. Even though we're not even aware of that story or of that expectation that we have for ourselves and for other people, we have a feeling that comes from that when that expectation is not met. So some feelings that you might have when expectations are not met and this usually happens with stealth expectations because we aren't even aware of them, obviously with conscious expectations we are aware of and that we have communicated, we can have these emotions too, but it's a little bit different because we've set those boundaries, we have verbalized, we've put it on paper and because we're aware of it. It's easier to process when we aren't even aware that we have this expectation and then we feel a feeling of disappointment.
Speaker 1:Maybe when expectations aren't met that you aren't aware of, you feel unaligned, you're like, hey, I just feel like something is off. This is not what feels good to me. This doesn't feel like it's in alignment with me. It's not in alignment with my mission and my purpose and what I want, where I want to go with my goals, but you don't know why. You don't know where that came from. We can feel incongruence, right, like this was supposed to happen and it didn't, but we're not even aware that we had that expectation in the first place. So we just have this feeling that, again, that feeling something is off, something is not the way that it was supposed to be Supposed to should notice, there are all these words that come along with expectations, right. So we can feel guilt, right, when we have this idea that something was supposed to happen a certain way, or we were supposed to show up in a certain way or get something done, and then we're not even aware that we had that expectation. We can feel guilty without knowing why. We can also feel shame. There are lots of other feelings that you might have when these stealth expectations are not met, and I think part of why, again, this is so tricky with the stealth expectations.
Speaker 1:When you are consciously aware, you at least know where that feeling is coming from. When we have a stealth expectation. It's like we just got run over by a train with this emotion that we don't really know where it came from, and so that can be really hard to manage. And, as we know, if you've listened to my podcast for at least a little bit now, you know that from a feeling we then have our actions that we take right, we have the things that we do in response to that emotion, the things that we do in response to that emotion. And so when we are having these feelings of guilt and shame and disappointment and unalignment, the actions that we take are from a place of those emotions.
Speaker 1:Think about when you are disappointed. What do you do when you're disappointed in yourself? Right, I know for me, when I am not the most pleasant person to be around, I end up with a very short fuse. I also do not do a very good job of communicating with the people that I am feeling this way. So my reaction, my lashing out at them and snapping at them and having a very short temper, can seem like it's coming out of nowhere. And I think again, especially with these stealth expectations, it's even more of a clutch, I guess, because it's like I don't even know why I'm like I'm feeling this way and I'm snapping at everybody around me and I don't even know why I'm doing this. Like then you just start to feel like you have these stories, like gosh, I am like just this crazy person today. So this is part of why it is really important our expectations to start to become aware of them and start to have a process for us to know where they're coming from.
Speaker 1:Again, some things that can happen when we have expectations we're not even aware of that then are not met. And again, this can be with ourselves, with other people, with our business, with a situation that we are in. It keeps us further from our goals. Right, if you're feeling guilty or shameful or disappointed or unaligned, you are not going to be doing the things to get you closer to your goals. In fact, I think a lot of people start to pull away, especially if it's something where you had this expectation that you weren't even aware of that. I hear this so often in my coaching sessions with other entrepreneurs. I should have been at this place in my business by now. They weren't even aware that they had that goal. Like I, should have made a six-figure income this year with my business and I didn't even know that that's what I wanted. But now that I haven't hit it because it was a hidden expectation, it was a stealth expectation Now I'm feeling this even more powerfully.
Speaker 1:Then we end up doing things that keep us even further from our goals. We go into those spirals of beating ourselves up, of shaming ourselves, of feeling guilty for not getting where we wanted to, and that's counterproductive, right? That's going to do the opposite of what we want with our goals. It also prevents our growth in our performance. So when we are feeling disappointed, that's not an emotion where we're going to for most of us that we're going to be like, oh, let me go work on myself and see what I can do to improve myself Again, especially because so much of this is happening in our subconscious that we're not aware of. So these are the reasons why it's really important to start to become aware of our expectations, and that's part of why I've shared my story of vacation with you.
Speaker 1:At the beginning of this episode was because I was aware of those expectations and gave myself permission that if they were not met, that was okay, that I did not have to meet those, that, again, it was not so much of an expectation, as it was a. This would be a great idea, but I don't have to follow through on that idea. If it is not right, when we are not as aware of that idea, then it can turn into an expectation that we that stealth expectation that we're not even aware of. So I want to offer you some questions to ask yourself, to start to become more aware of these hidden expectations or these manuals that you might have for other people, but also for yourself, for your business, for your goals, for your performance. So I want you to ask yourself what am I expecting in this situation? What am I expecting? Fill in this situation with whatever it is that you are thinking about Could be like. Let's think about our business.
Speaker 1:So we are more than halfway through the year at this point when I am recording this. So we probably all have an expectation of where we want our business to be at the end of the year and what we wanted to achieve. Some of those are going to be income goals. Some of those are going to be how many clients that we were able to help and work with, how many people we had an impact. Maybe you have a goal of a certain number of followers on social media. We have these goals, ie expectations. So what am I expecting? What are the expectations that I have, that I have not verbalized, that I have not made conscious? What am I expecting of myself and what am I expecting of other people? It's really important to differentiate those two right. What am I expecting of myself? What am I expecting of others?
Speaker 1:Sometimes you'll find that you are more aware and more tuned in with expectations with one of those than the other, and that you are more vocal and conscious of the expectations. Maybe for yourself, you're, like I, am very clear of the expectations I have for myself. A lot of high performers are very aware of their own expectations, but maybe they aren't as clear with communicating or even being aware of the expectations they have of other people. And again, that could be team members that you're working with, that could be your clients, that could be your family in terms of how much time they are giving you or allowing you to put into your business right. We have all these other people in our life where we have these expectations, but whether we are aware that we have them or whether we have communicated those is a very different situation.
Speaker 1:So I want you to also ask yourself are these expectations realistic? And I think it is super important to have goals that stretch you. Your goals should be huge. I don't want to say they shouldn't be achievable at all, they should not be easily achieved. We can have some goals that are easily achieved, but we also want goals that are going to push us and stretch us. Because we set this huge goal that's way bigger than what we think we are capable of. Even if we only get halfway to that, that might be further than if we had set a very safe goal.
Speaker 1:However, when we are talking about expectations being realistic, sometimes we can set expectations for ourselves, for other people, for situations that are completely impossible. They can never be met, and this especially happens with those hidden expectations and when we aren't aware of them and then especially, can't communicate something we're not aware of. We have not communicated this expectation to other people. It's a lot of the time it's not going to be met. So asking if these expectations are realistic is really important.
Speaker 1:Are these expectations hopeful or hurtful? We can have expectations of ourselves that help us become a better performer, that help us grow to be a better person that has a bigger impact on the world around us. We can also have expectations that bring up those negative emotions of guilt and shame and all of that, which are not helpful. Those are hurting us in achieving what we want to achieve and becoming the person that we want to become and grow into. So it's important to ask are these hopeful or are these hurtful? I often find this when I am coaching people around comparison with other people right, they see somebody else online on Instagram or Facebook or they have a friend that they are comparing themselves with and sometimes comparison can be a healthy motivator. But a lot of the time comparison can be more hurtful. Right, it's not a healthy thing. It can be hurtful and harmful to ourselves and to our beliefs. So it's kind of that difference between like competition can be like more healthy, whereas comparison is probably not as healthy. So it's important to ask if our expectations are helping or are they hurting us, these expectations that we have about whatever it is that you are dealing with.
Speaker 1:Have I communicated these expectations with others? And I find that this is a really important question to ask, partially because if we have expectations for other people, it's really important to communicate. Ask Partially because if we have expectations for other people. It's really important to communicate those Other people don't know what we are thinking or what we are expecting from them unless we tell them, unless we come right out and say this is what I want or need from you right now, or this is what I am expecting you to do. We need to be able to communicate that. However, we also need to communicate it with ourselves, right?
Speaker 1:I also think it's really important to communicate expectations we have for ourselves with other people, even if it's an agreement with ourselves. Find somebody, find a success partner, find a best friend, find a spouse, find a child, find whoever it is that you trust, and you can say hey, this is an expectation I have for myself, and I just wanted to share this, to put it out there, to verbalize it. Did you know that our brain processes things differently if it comes out of our mouth and goes back into our ears than if we are simply just thinking it? We process it in a completely different place in our brain, so it's really important to speak things out loud. That's number one with why this is important. Number two other people can help hold us accountable, right? We never share our expectations for ourselves and for our business and for our goals and dreams with other people, it's really easy to kind of hide and not push towards those and not achieve those. Do what we need to do to achieve those, but when we have put it out there and shared with other people, they can help hold us accountable and they can also be when we fall, because we will fall at times. We have that support system that is going to understand why we're feeling disappointed that those goals and expectations weren't met. So I think it's really important to share expectations with other people, whether it is for others or for yourself.
Speaker 1:And the last thing I want you to start asking is have I been honest with myself about these expectations? And again we'll go back to my story with vacation. I was honest with myself this year with what I wanted to achieve, however, and also what was okay, what I gave myself permission. If this does not get done, it's okay, this would be great, but it is not going to be the end of the world and I'm not going to beat myself up. It's not going to be so much of an expectation. It's just like I said a whole bunch of times, it's just this great idea that, if it gets done. That would be fantastic.
Speaker 1:However, in past years, I was not honest with myself going into a vacation or into time off, with what I was or was not going to get done during vacation and what I was going to allow myself to unplug, and when I came home, I was even more stressed out than when I had left. The things being undone was not the source of my stress. The source of my stress was that I had expected myself to get those things done and then not been honest that maybe this was not going to be done during a vacation. So that was what I had to share with you today. I hope this was helpful.
Speaker 1:I can't wait to hear how you have used expectations in your life and in your business to move yourself forward. I would also love to hear about your take on these hidden expectations. Do you have hidden expectations for yourself a lot? When you were listening to this, did you realize that this is something that you have been doing to yourself and to others around you, and are these questions helpful? I can't wait to hear what has come out of this and what goals dreams that you achieve because of being more aware of these expectations and bringing them to the conscious. So have a great rest of your day. Thank you so much for listening, and I will catch you on the next episode.
